Retribution

No revenge. My only weapon is words.  It's always been words.  Fists were more...an attempt to discover words.... But I have to make sure to speak, then...because speaking has become and did become my only way of fighting back. So I fought back...several times over. And it's OK that nothing changes, because I spoke, that... Continue Reading →

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8-8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UeF0lq2QQJs I don't think he had intended to murder me.  I imagine he was just expecting to rape me, and didn't realize he was preying on someone with a fighting history. His name was Jose....and his birthday was 8-8....(today)....and the only reason I knew these things is that before he turned on me, we were... Continue Reading →

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Happy…

Happiness is like the tide. It comes, it goes. It ebbs, it flows...   "Mom I love my life."  I said today when I got home from work... I haven't felt this way in a long time.  But I really do.  Today is good.

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August 3rd

It seems like every year I learn something new about that day in 1978 when I made my debut into this world... "You were due on the third."  My mom told me several yeas ago. "I was?...I must have been comfortable!  I didn't wanna come out!"  I laughed.  Homesick from the beginning.  Because it wasn't... Continue Reading →

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This is @#&@!!

This society ....gives me a stomachache. I'm trying to be compassionate and non judgemental about things...but this gray area our society loves to stir up, that mucky, foggy, difficult to navigate lack of delineation between what is or what is not acceptable.... So I decide what's acceptable for me....which means diving first into some gray... Continue Reading →

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Artwork by Kevin (my brody!)

I am in absolute awe of my brother's talent.  Even the paintings he thought should be burned, I thought were excellent.  Kevin is my older brother by almost exactly 2 and a half years.  I think he is absolutely amazing ... he is my favorite artist! I love the featured image, of the little girl... Continue Reading →

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Can I Get a FITNESS!?

Fitness has been a major part of my life. I took a year long fitness training program at Ashmead College, and worked for several different gyms over the years as a personal trainer and also competed in MMA at a professional level. Truthfully:  I stopped personal training and leading boot camps because I couldn't stand... Continue Reading →

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Testimony

I just heard this quote today and it impacted me....  I don't know who to credit it to.....so Anonymous said: YOUR STORY IS THE KEY THAT CAN UNLOCK SOMEONE ELSE'S PRISON.....  Share your testimony...

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Home From War.

When I quit the ambulance, I felt like I had returned to civilian life. I felt like I had been at war. Everyone thinks warfare is something that doesn't happen here...in the United States...despite the watered down tales of terror shared by the news. I always found the news so trivial.  For the most part... Continue Reading →

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If Facebook Ceases

I'm not gonna say (again) that I'm gonna take a reprieve from facebook.  I do love it on so many levels.  It's like being able to still be on ship with shipmates that now live from New Zealand to Africa to Alaska or the Netherlands.  It's like still being neighbors with my Eglon family, that... Continue Reading →

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Guilt Goes Gratitude Stays

7/9/18 I’m so blessed right now.  I feel blessed.  I feel….filled with hope.  I just do.  Right now Ebbie is getting her breathe back from a fun run in Clark Fork…dragging me on my adult Trike.  (I tried it with a bike but she was too strong, and I fell…a lot.)  I spent the morning... Continue Reading →

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PIECES

There's a montage of violence I can't silence in my mind. I try to sleep but these scenes repeat and past tenses play like fragmented sentences as I struggle to make sense of it. 7/7/18 My 'collection of my moments' that is filled with books, pictures, scrapbooks, some art, some journals, etc, had been kept... Continue Reading →

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Seeds: Faith

7/8/18 I remember the last day of school when I was in the sixth grade, blasting 93.3 on the radio and dancing to "Faith" by George Michael, belting out the song at the top of my lungs as I danced around the kitchen and living room and loaded my backpack up to catch where I'd... Continue Reading →

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Netflix Series Review: Jessica Jones

I'll be honest, I'm not so privvy to marvel or superhero stories....HOWEVER....I also used to really enjoy sitting down and watching a movie or a show...and I'm back to basics right now.... So the current video series I'll be reviewing is Jessica Jones.  I'll shush now so that I can sit and watch the first... Continue Reading →

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Seeds – Self Esteem

That’s it! That’s it! I’ve had my fill! If I were a garden I’d rototill! If I was a volcano well now here I go! OH NO! WATCH HER BLOW! She’s losing her top! She can’t stop! She’s got her weeds by the root! and her seeds CLEANED OF THE SOOT Of this present darkness... Continue Reading →

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Before I Was A Ghost

I stopped paying for my old blog years ago. It was the first time I started sharing any writing.  emmabush.com  Because before I was a ghost I was Emma...am mE.....just someone trying to be. I don't know why I went to emmabush.com today.... but it's still there....I stopped paying for it years ago...but apparently my... Continue Reading →

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E

What's wrong with me? Said the E. She wasn't feeling well, she was sure that if grace was a place she fell and she had landed in the depths of hell. Poor E! When she saw she was on her knees What happened to her? It was all such a blur but now all she... Continue Reading →

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Healing

My Ghost Speaks

The path to healing
is a windy uphill road
because the art of feeling
is painted with uncomfortable.

I had a texting conversation with my friend Dwayne this afternoon.  I met Dwayne several years back at an MMA gym where he allowed me to step in and volunteer with his kid’s class.  He has recently gone out of his way to help me get back to standing by not only hooking me up with a job, but with a vehicle.  It’s been a team effort, getting me back to standing, and God bless my friends and family for their love and patience.  Life is like Pacman, if you dare stop, it will eat you up and spit you out a ghost.

And this ghost here?  Speaks…or is learning to.  It’s been a lifelong process.  But wellness is NOT a destination.  To arrive suggests you stop moving, and to stop moving…

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41. Eli

On a day that was too rainy to go out and play Emma and Eli took a book to their favorite nook to have a look at what was inside.   I came up with the idea for Eli when I was ten years old.  I thought there was nobody better to write a children's... Continue Reading →

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30. Erik and I

Hey diddle diddle everybody grab your fiddle turns out I've been caught in the middle ever since I was little. Life has been a riddle and my life is a puzzle I found my voice and I've loosened my muzzle.   "It was the four of you..."  My mother began, "But it was always Kevin... Continue Reading →

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Do You Believe In God?

I asked someone on facebook this question a couple months ago, if they believed in God.  "Ef no.  I'm not crazy."  He answered. It was an honest answer.  It's a double edged sword...because on one token he's calling me crazy, because I do believe in God...though the truth is I unwittingly (without trying to be... Continue Reading →

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Daddy Issues

I love with my mind, with my body, and with my soul. My sex is my soul, something I dare 
to share with someone else. Whether they use it or abuse it or love it and rise about it is something else. I thought love was real
- Not just a fairy tale fed to appeal... Continue Reading →

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The Drunk

That poor stumbling, fumbling mumbling drunk. That trips on his feet and broken concrete and tree trunks. He didn’t mean to be a downer but as he walked and drowned his sorrows and woes, he found himself under a cloud that followed wherever he went and wherever he goes. Life was like quicksand and the... Continue Reading →

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23. The Nielsen Super Hero’s

When we were little my mom made me, my cousins Erik and Bjorn, and my brother Kevin capes out of bathroom towels…she sewed our initials in them, and tied it at the neck with a simple button… Those capes were all we needed for hours and hours of fun off gallivanting and playing in the... Continue Reading →

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Fish Bowl

I had a dream one night that gave me a deep deep fright Felt like a I just might be wound so tight I'll explode. I've reached my threshold... The thing bout this dream is it kept on happening. Had to see it and repeat and repeat it left me feeling all defeated and incomplete... Continue Reading →

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18. Emotional Abuse

False Flag Silence IS violent and rage is loud, but sometimes fists hit sand without making a sound. Figure it out. Fake friends are dead ends that see ewe and you and me as a dividend not an investment. And real friends, hope fake friends, get their shit together in the end. Real friends may... Continue Reading →

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17. Adventuring

..."It'll be an adventure!"  Mom would say, her words a buffer to the disappointment that would ensue when things didn't go as planned.  To the contrary my father would grumble and get angry and want to scrap the entire day ...  "We'll just turn around!" "No!  Don't turn around!"  Mom would say... "What sort of... Continue Reading →

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I Got Guns In My Head

Rear-View Mirror by Emma Bush 2011 My past is right behind me I can feel its breath on my neck I can’t run forever my legs are tired I’m out of breath. So afraid of what would happen should I stop and face it, I keep running, keep running hoping time will erase it. I've... Continue Reading →

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13. Self Loathing

Loose cannon, loose cannon, just doing my best with the hand I was handed. PTSD has been a real bitch to me.  Depression and anxiety are nemesis I have to battle daily.  Addiction has been the biggest devil on my shoulder.  There were moments survival looked a lot like dying!  ITS ALL RIGHT IN MY... Continue Reading →

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6. My Garden

Home. Your roots, your foundation. No matter the wind that batters, nor the storms that have shaken, nothing, not even time, from your memory and heart, can it be taken. I think of myself as a garden.  I think of all of us as gardens.  We are born to caretakers and gardeners that we are... Continue Reading →

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Snowball

SNOWBALL by Emma Bush 2015 Once I was nothing more than a drop of rain
, up high in the sky
, yet to feel the pain of change... just a drop dripping and falling down towards that impressive ground, down below
, where I watched all the other raindrops go. Perhaps I don’t know as much as... Continue Reading →

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Grandma Glenna Turner

"Rich people have maids, poor people have children." Mother to my mother...Grandma Turner.... Things I heard often growing up.... "Children are to be seen, not heard." "Stop making noise just to make noise." "Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me."    

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The Nielsen Super Hero’s

My mother is so amazing. When we were little my mom made me, my cousins Erik and Bjorn, and my brother Kevin capes out of bathroom towels...she sewed our initials in them, and tied it at the neck with a simple button... Those capes were all we needed for hours and hours of fun off... Continue Reading →

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Lost Fish

I was never good at speaking it was always a frustrating thing to me. Uncle Louie described me as standoffish, back when I was a kid... but I was just a lost fish, scared of other in the sea. I observed the others. I looked up to my brother and I thank God for my... Continue Reading →

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Daddy Issues

I love with my mind, with my body, and with my soul. My sex is my soul, something I dare to share with someone else. Whether they use it or abuse it or love it and rise about it is something else. I thought love was real Not just a fairy tale fed to appeal... Continue Reading →

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He Breaks

He breaks, he breaks, he breaks! There’s only so much a man can take. SO MUCH HATE! So angry his hands shake, fists clenches. The ground quakes in the wake of his walk. Spit flies when he talks. Tight grip, his rage has been awakened! Shirt rips, no more of him will be taken! He’s... Continue Reading →

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The Tale of the Little Girl and the Cave

Hello-o-o... Echo? Where did you go-o-o... Oh, owe, o. A little girl had been on a journey through a foreign land that she had been afraid to navigate alone, though that is exactly how she found herself.  She tip-toed around obstacles, afraid to disrupt anyone.  She had asked for help once, but the man had... Continue Reading →

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Toxic Love

My cat Simeon is love with my neighbor's cat...at first she wouldn't give him the time of day, but now when he sees her she will kiss him for a second, then smack his face, and something like what happened in the video below transpires.  Bwahahaha.  Not so different that humans. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qA7TWWdYuKY

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Healing

The path to healing is a windy uphill road because the art of feeling is painted with uncomfortable. I had a texting conversation with my friend Dwayne this afternoon.  I met Dwayne several years back at an MMA gym where he allowed me to step in and volunteer with his kid's class.  He has recently... Continue Reading →

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Right Handed

When I write with my right hand? I can write right.... It comes out just fine like snow on Alpine shining bright in the moonlight. For a minute you may even have to squint! You may think the moon is sunlit? But it isn't. Is it? My left eye can wink and I don't even... Continue Reading →

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Tree Fort

Written in 1997 My brother and I took hammers, piles of wood leftover from Dad's woodshed, nails, tape measures, and saws. All were the foundation of our creation, youth being the age of limitless possibilites the giant maple tree the object of our creativity. We began with nails, simply pounding lumber against the flesh of... Continue Reading →

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Near Death Experience

If you haven't seen the OA I highly recommend it.  I love Brit Marling's creativity...I love a creative mind :)...she's a sister from another mother...every since her movie Another Earth where her character walked out into the snow to attempt a peaceful sleep/suicide I liked her.  I saw that scene and felt validated or relief...like... Continue Reading →

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Hope :)

That devil on my shoulder Had become bolder as I got older He used to come to me in my sleep In nightmares that’s seemed More a warning than a dream “Read that again, Emma.” Allen said. He was in the kitchen preparing a snack while I sat in the living room and read to him... Continue Reading →

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End Times

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cc94dDs7mQw I remember being a little girl, and being told in church that for the most part, people from every generation thought they lived in end times...but now....I am beginning to SEE things that make me believe maybe our generation is like an X that marks the spot in this world.  Perhaps we have reached... Continue Reading →

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