Fear

Fear was.... Screaming.  At the top of my lungs, with everything I was, while his body and weight pinned my body up against the Fulton's Crossing basement of an apartment, in Everett, Washington.   Fear was, asking for help, begging through tears at the top of my lungs....but hearing the white of the apartment walls, and... Continue Reading →

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Rude and Mean

Denise said it... I love it when Denise goes into storyteller mode.  Likewise, with Laura.  I realize... I... I like to listen.  I spoke once.  I talked.  I talked a lot.  Nothing happened.  When I spoke.  Nothing changed, except the way I viewed things because people and life were sure there to correct my poor... Continue Reading →

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Resentments

I knew my dad was a predator for a long time. Maybe predator is not the right term.  He is a kind man, afflicted with an empathy I know he has seen mirrored in his daughter.  I imagine we, his family, his offspring, we lives who were created by his are somewhat a mystery to... Continue Reading →

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Therapy

Yes, I'm a lil bit angry. Yes.  I have been depressed, but don't judge me!  If I wasn't depressed then I would be lying, you would be too.  NO - I don't need therapy. I realize I got nobody to hash things out with but I'm fine, I have a blog, if people want to... Continue Reading →

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….

Life scares me right now. I'm a good fear facer though...  

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Yeah I’m Lost.

Yes. Don't judge me.  Please, cause if I'm anything, I've been a judge.  Not on purpose, but I saw stuff, saw a lot, and saw too much.  I am what I see I see what I saw I can not unhear or unsee the ick that has been a sick in me. My family has... Continue Reading →

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Thank You, Society

Thank you, Society, for breaking down before I did, so I don't feel so grossed out....I no longer feel like a bitch for not liking our manipulative step sibling to all.  SS ---step-sibling, BIG BROTHER, Government, IDK....whatever is clever .....I don't feel bad saying I don't like Da Beer, or debir or King Eglon or... Continue Reading →

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I Love You

I love you like the sun loves the moon. I can feel you but never quite see you because I fall asleep before you loom. But your glow I feel I know even when it's never been able to tell me so. My goal is to someday understand and then stand upright and show. I... Continue Reading →

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AnalEmma

Tomorrow is 2-8 Two eights. Aint' that great? Balls and Boobs. And interludes. It's OK to BAWL when YOU GET BRUISED. It's OK to SRPRAWL TO PREVENT The CONFUSION OF CONSENT. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE. YOU HAVE NO FREE WILL I know you are strong But you don't have to KILL BILL TO PROVE IT.... Continue Reading →

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Right now

I'm spewing out on emmabush.com the most.  You can also find me at patreon.com/ghostspeaking It takes me three blogs to puke it out.  But I'm learning, it's better to puke on a blog than to an inbox, cause ....if you can't say it out loud, you shouldn't be saying at all....so stop pestering people that... Continue Reading →

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Progress

I regress only to regret because to stop with a forward step is like to pause and to get lost in a holocaust. That past is like the devil's last asset. But as I sift through the rift I see this present that is a gift. The moment you seize YOUR PEN is the moment... Continue Reading →

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RE-WRITE

All I ever wanted to do was be a writer. I couldn't speak correctly, "R's" were difficult.  I'm forty years old and I still get tongue tied...I was very shy.  I would hug my mother's leg while we stood in line at the grocery store.  I remember being little.  I remember a lot of things. ... Continue Reading →

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Retribution

No revenge. My only weapon is words.  It's always been words.  Fists were more...an attempt to discover words.... But I have to make sure to speak, then...because speaking has become and did become my only way of fighting back. So I fought back...several times over. And it's OK that nothing changes, because I spoke, that... Continue Reading →

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8-8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UeF0lq2QQJs I don't think he had intended to murder me.  I imagine he was just expecting to rape me, and didn't realize he was preying on someone with a fighting history. His name was Jose....and his birthday was 8-8....(today)....and the only reason I knew these things is that before he turned on me, we were... Continue Reading →

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Happy…

Happiness is like the tide. It comes, it goes. It ebbs, it flows...   "Mom I love my life."  I said today when I got home from work... I haven't felt this way in a long time.  But I really do.  Today is good.

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August 3rd

It seems like every year I learn something new about that day in 1978 when I made my debut into this world... "You were due on the third."  My mom told me several yeas ago. "I was?...I must have been comfortable!  I didn't wanna come out!"  I laughed.  Homesick from the beginning.  Because it wasn't... Continue Reading →

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This is @#&@!!

This society ....gives me a stomachache. I'm trying to be compassionate and non judgemental about things...but this gray area our society loves to stir up, that mucky, foggy, difficult to navigate lack of delineation between what is or what is not acceptable.... So I decide what's acceptable for me....which means diving first into some gray... Continue Reading →

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Artwork by Kevin (my brody!)

I am in absolute awe of my brother's talent.  Even the paintings he thought should be burned, I thought were excellent.  Kevin is my older brother by almost exactly 2 and a half years.  I think he is absolutely amazing ... he is my favorite artist! I love the featured image, of the little girl... Continue Reading →

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Can I Get a FITNESS!?

Fitness has been a major part of my life. I took a year long fitness training program at Ashmead College, and worked for several different gyms over the years as a personal trainer and also competed in MMA at a professional level. Truthfully:  I stopped personal training and leading boot camps because I couldn't stand... Continue Reading →

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Testimony

I just heard this quote today and it impacted me....  I don't know who to credit it to.....so Anonymous said: YOUR STORY IS THE KEY THAT CAN UNLOCK SOMEONE ELSE'S PRISON.....  Share your testimony...

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Home From War.

When I quit the ambulance, I felt like I had returned to civilian life. I felt like I had been at war. Everyone thinks warfare is something that doesn't happen here...in the United States...despite the watered down tales of terror shared by the news. I always found the news so trivial.  For the most part... Continue Reading →

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If Facebook Ceases

I'm not gonna say (again) that I'm gonna take a reprieve from facebook.  I do love it on so many levels.  It's like being able to still be on ship with shipmates that now live from New Zealand to Africa to Alaska or the Netherlands.  It's like still being neighbors with my Eglon family, that... Continue Reading →

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Guilt Goes Gratitude Stays

7/9/18 I’m so blessed right now.  I feel blessed.  I feel….filled with hope.  I just do.  Right now Ebbie is getting her breathe back from a fun run in Clark Fork…dragging me on my adult Trike.  (I tried it with a bike but she was too strong, and I fell…a lot.)  I spent the morning... Continue Reading →

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PIECES

There's a montage of violence I can't silence in my mind. I try to sleep but these scenes repeat and past tenses play like fragmented sentences as I struggle to make sense of it. 7/7/18 My 'collection of my moments' that is filled with books, pictures, scrapbooks, some art, some journals, etc, had been kept... Continue Reading →

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Seeds: Faith

7/8/18 I remember the last day of school when I was in the sixth grade, blasting 93.3 on the radio and dancing to "Faith" by George Michael, belting out the song at the top of my lungs as I danced around the kitchen and living room and loaded my backpack up to catch where I'd... Continue Reading →

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Netflix Series Review: Jessica Jones

I'll be honest, I'm not so privvy to marvel or superhero stories....HOWEVER....I also used to really enjoy sitting down and watching a movie or a show...and I'm back to basics right now.... So the current video series I'll be reviewing is Jessica Jones.  I'll shush now so that I can sit and watch the first... Continue Reading →

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Seeds – Self Esteem

That’s it! That’s it! I’ve had my fill! If I were a garden I’d rototill! If I was a volcano well now here I go! OH NO! WATCH HER BLOW! She’s losing her top! She can’t stop! She’s got her weeds by the root! and her seeds CLEANED OF THE SOOT Of this present darkness... Continue Reading →

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30. Erik and I

Hey diddle diddle everybody grab your fiddle turns out I've been caught in the middle ever since I was little. Life has been a riddle and my life is a puzzle I found my voice and I've loosened my muzzle.   "It was the four of you..."  My mother began, "But it was always Kevin... Continue Reading →

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Do You Believe In God?

I asked someone on facebook this question a couple months ago, if they believed in God.  "Ef no.  I'm not crazy."  He answered. It was an honest answer.  It's a double edged sword...because on one token he's calling me crazy, because I do believe in God...though the truth is I unwittingly (without trying to be... Continue Reading →

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The Drunk

That poor stumbling, fumbling mumbling drunk. That trips on his feet and broken concrete and tree trunks. He didn’t mean to be a downer but as he walked and drowned his sorrows and woes, he found himself under a cloud that followed wherever he went and wherever he goes. Life was like quicksand and the... Continue Reading →

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18. Emotional Abuse

False Flag Silence IS violent and rage is loud, but sometimes fists hit sand without making a sound. Figure it out. Fake friends are dead ends that see ewe and you and me as a dividend not an investment. And real friends, hope fake friends, get their shit together in the end. Real friends may... Continue Reading →

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17. Adventuring

..."It'll be an adventure!"  Mom would say, her words a buffer to the disappointment that would ensue when things didn't go as planned.  To the contrary my father would grumble and get angry and want to scrap the entire day ...  "We'll just turn around!" "No!  Don't turn around!"  Mom would say... "What sort of... Continue Reading →

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