If you haven’t seen the OA I highly recommend it. I love Brit Marling’s creativity…I love a creative mind :)…she’s a sister from another mother…every since her movie Another Earth where her character walked out into the snow to attempt a peaceful sleep/suicide I liked her. I saw that scene and felt validated or relief…like I wasn’t bad for having thought it..that very same thing… I wasn’t bad or crazy for having wanted to die…to walk out into the snow and fall asleep. I was just a textbook survivor caught in the river of mid-process still holding on even though it wasn’t easy.
The show the OA refers and makes a lot of reference to near death experiences….and after watching it, it prompted the following text messaging conversation with my father…
“Dad…when I was little and had that febrile seizure…I stopped breathing and grandma picked me up and shook me? Question number 1…did I die for a min? Or just stop breathing? How high was my fever? Where did this happen at?” I asked him…
I had been told that my grandma panicked when I wasn’t breathing and shook me to get me to respond….Who told me this? My mother or aunt Kyle? Anyways, fast forward to years later …I’m a grade schooler with a speech impediment. I couldn’t pronounce my ‘R’s’ … I was a “Ghoul” and I loved “popcone” 🙂 I’d wun places weally fast. I couldn’t say my “R’s.”
I had to see Lucy Grout, my elementary school speech therapist…to untie my tongue and to learn how to speak properly….What I had been told of the incident was that grandma had always feared she dumbed me down and made me retarded by shaking me when I was little during that incident with the seizure, out of fear when I stopped breathing. So every time I spoke and said “Good MOANING (morning) Gwandma!” Her gut would knot up because she blamed herself for my quirk. HA! I love her. I’m such an extension of her. A lil worrier through and through.
I asked him because my memory tends to be pretty sharp and spot on and I always remembered remembering this incident oddly. I even remember being a little girl trying to tell my family what happend… because where they told me I had gone and where I was were two different places…
I snapshot moments… I think that is just my life documentor in action and I imagine its an evolutionary,preparatory thing… as in…someday I’ll have dementia and these journals will the only clues I have left that I ever was! … I think it’s hereditary. My mother was a journaler… She has stacks and stacks of notebooks…just like me 🙂 And maybe I won’t end up with dementia or alzheimer’s like my mother and grandmother, but if I do? It’s OK! I have my life scribbled into notebooks… :). I still have proof that I was. Even if someday I don’t remember it.
My dad responded to my text… “You were in bed with mom and me at the cabin…you weren’t sleeping well or feeling good, as much as a kid that age could express. About half an hour later your temp was 104, maybe 104.5…it had risen from normal to that hot that quick, you went limp as a way overdone noodle, couldn’t tell if you were breathing or not. We ran over to the folks (grandma and grandpa’s) house and grandma called for the ambulance. She didn’t shake you at all but held you gently. She may have squeezed you gently, but whatever…that’s when we heard a very soft sigh out of you. If you were breathing it had to have been extremely shallow, we didn’t think you were at all. It took maybe half an hour for the ambulance to get here, can’t remember if mom was with me at the end of the driveway, but I didn’t want them to miss the location. Neither of us could ride with you so we followed you to Bremerton. Dr. Henricks shuddered when he heard the ambulance crew put cool or cold water on you to lower your temperature…It could have caused another seizure. But it it didn’t. You need to ask mom to get more info. We though you were gone, Emma...”
But I didn’t die all the way, at least not for more than a minute or two…because I remember parts of what I thought happened…like a dream…hm…neat, kinda, huh?
So far and to date (knock on wood) I’ve been blessed with a pretty spectacular memory. I can remember my second birthday…grandma bringing over the doll she had sewn me…the doll had orange hair and scared me, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I was wearing a diaper. Dad had put the TV out into the window sill of the cabin so we could watch TV, August 13, 1980, just several months after Mt. St. Helens had blown. I remember grandma, and mom…my dad and my brother… I remember sleeping that night under the stars 🙂 I love sleeping under the stars. It’s nice having an August birthday because I can gift the night sky to myself and it’s usually warm enough to enjoy 🙂
Love that property. Home….that was.