Healing

The path to healing
is a windy uphill road
because the art of feeling
is painted with uncomfortable.

I had a texting conversation with my friend Dwayne this afternoon.  I met Dwayne several years back at an MMA gym where he allowed me to step in and volunteer with his kid’s class.  He has recently gone out of his way to help me get back to standing by not only hooking me up with a job, but with a vehicle.  It’s been a team effort, getting me back to standing, and God bless my friends and family for their love and patience.  Life is like Pacman, if you dare stop, it will eat you up and spit you out a ghost.

And this ghost here?  Speaks…or is learning to.  It’s been a lifelong process.  But wellness is NOT a destination.  To arrive suggests you stop moving, and to stop moving is to begin the process of dying.  That is why life is about continually finding balance, and why we humans are all confused because the maps were were handed were …. if I remember correctly, written by the winner…and I don’t know about you, I grew up reading the Bible and it told me right there in the beginning that the bad guy won in the garden….so….my map was written by the bad guy?

That would explain an awful lot.

Me:  Dwayne, the last two nights I’m full on nervous breakdown…distracted….can’t stay focused.  Can’t stay present.  Panic attack, almost full on panic attack…  EMMA!  GET A GRIP, GIRL!  You aren’t even in the real world right now, you’re delivering papers in the middle of the night, you hardly have to communicate with anyone.  BREATHE!  But I’m driving along going over and over in my head all of the things I hate about me ….like when did I ever think I was perfect?  Dude!  I’m a bully to me!  I’m nice to everyone else but to me?  I’m a judgemental poop!  I’m a total jerk!  I’m mad at my depression.  I’m pissed at my self loathing self-destructive…Lazy.  Conceded…I got my ass owned and it is rough on my pride.  Pride is a Nielsen thing.

Dwayne:  You sound like me.  I do the same exact stuff…daily.  Pretty much I hate myself and feel my daughter is the only redeeming thing about me.

Me:  Not conceited.  Conceded, just to clarify.  I conceded and believed what I was being told, not what I KNEW.  I KNOW I’m a good person.  I KNOW you are a good person.  These are things I know.  You have helped me stand back up!  Why do we get so down on ourselves?  We need to be better with the self talk…let’s hold one another accountable.

Dwayne:  I think it’s a human thing.  I am also working on accepting compliments and saying ‘thank you’ instead of rejecting them out of…

Me:  I do the same thing.  When someone compliments me I instantly shrug it off and say, “Oh, no!” and I feel like I can LITERALLY see MY GRANDMA IN ME….down to the mannerisms.  Someone telling her she looked nice, or she made a wonderful dish…she would blush and laugh and shrug it off….hahaha!

Weed identified:  Negative self talk.  UPROOTED.  This one I know exactly where it comes from… lots of gardening to do yet 🙂

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