5. 10/17/2011

Living Journal 10/17/2011

Dear Jessica,

I am going begin writing and I’m not sure how it’s going to come out.  I have no idea where to begin, or how to say these things I feel I need to say.  I just know I need to say them.

I think I need to change my thinking.  I need to flip my script.  I was born very optimistic but I’m trapped in this negative I can’t get free of.  Like chains.  I feel like my life has snowballed, and I’m about to crash.  I want to find that good place again, like when I was a little girl, and every day was an adventure.  Not this where I find myself today, where life has become somewhat of a chore, and bedtime is one of the only things I look forward to.

This is my goal:  This is what I want to accomplish.  I want to find some closure in things that are not closed.  At the end of the day, when all is said and done, I WILL BE OK.  I’m going to say it how it is…I’m going to put my life down on “paper” and take a step back and look at the whole picture of this life objectively.  I am going to write all the stuff that for some reason is so hard to say out loud.  I don’t know why the words won’t come out of my mouth…they get trapped in my throat…

DO NOT BE MISLED INTO THINKING IT HAS ALL BEEN HORRIBLE.  It has been a beautiful 33 years. I want you to understand that. In fact I hope I end up with more good things to say, after I find peace with some things. And myself.  And the world the world around me.    Perhaps someday I’ll be more haunted by happy memories than I am these things I haven’t been able to talk about.  When I can speak I believe will be the day I find my freedom. I just have some giants to discuss.



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