11. Masks Off

Disgusting (2017) -By Emma Bush

I’m disgusting,
I’m disgusted.
I’ve looked at it
and I’ve discussed it.
I fucked up.
I’m fucked.
I’m shit.
It just is.

The evolution of Emma…at some point I may even evolve into not cursing like a sailor…(I’m not there yet).

When I started my living journal wrote this:

I feel like I have to wear different masks for different crowds.  It is exhausting.  I am friends with everyone, I love everyone who I have crossed paths with…but I have to change how I speak and behave in each crowd because every crowd has its own set of rules or regulations.  I have my “recovery” Emma, that goes to AA meetings and is trying to find sobriety, and tame my addictions.  I have my “EMT” mask that I wear, that is tough and strong sees things that are difficult for the average human to handle.  I have my “religious” Emma, who is a Christian that doesn’t know where I belong anymore because I can’t walk into a church without getting a stomachache.  I have my fighting Emma, who puts gloves on and sweats it out with a little blood, sweat and tears.  I have the wife and stepmom mask….and masks for different crowds of friends….you see…none of my different circles get along with the other…though each crowd is so beautiful and has ADDED to my life.  But I wish I could JUST BE ME.  I need to merge these different faces into ONE EMMA that doesn’t have to change and play chameleon in order to be able to fit in.  And if I don’t fit in, and I’m just a black sheep, so be it.  It’s easier than whatever THIS is.  This attempting to “please” that leaves me feeling like I have to lie to be accepted.

HERE I AM, world….on the other side of a whirlwind…masks are off.  I’m just me.

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