16. Self Loathing

Loose cannon,
loose cannon,
just doing my best with the hand
I was handed.

PTSD has been a real bitch to me.  Depression and anxiety are nemesis I have to battle daily.  Addiction has been the biggest devil on my shoulder, and today is most likely my lowest low.  PLEASE LET THIS BE THE DEPTHS OF MY BOTTOM.  I’ve been spending a lot of time today, ruminating or confronting a lot of the journey and it’s not always been pretty, and there were moments survival looked a lot like dying!  ITS ALL RIGHT IN MY FACE RIGHT NOW.

Self loathing is a weed I’M UPROOTING.  I know when and where it was planted, I can have compassion for my journey and validate myself.

This is how I am combating it:  When I have negative self talk or start to ruminate on a past mistake or am struggling with flashbacks, I look at it as a little invisible battle that is taking place behind the scenes.  As soon as I identify it, I do my best to karate chop it with the truth.   For example, I trip over my feet, and I typically say something myself along the lines of, “Dammit, Emma, you clumsy bitch, you are so embarrassing,”  BUT THEN I STOP MID SENTENCE AND KARATE CHOP THAT BAD THOUGHT and replace it with “Emma, you are not always the most graceful but you land softly….”  😉

Watch the following video by Kati Morton, a Youtuber helping save the world, one video at a time, and what her suggestions are for dealing with self hate.  She’s got some helpful suggestions.

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