22. Control

In a stint of soul searching I found myself in a rather a self destructive promiscuous phase post trauma. Because of circumstance I thought my value and worth came through sex.  AND IN THIS STINT I WAS ALARMED BY HOW MEN THOUGHT THAT CONTROL came through violence. Real control in sex is not violence, its knowing the other persons body better than they do…BY CHOICE AND DESIRE. 
One of the most comforting things my therapist ever told me was, “You may not realize this, but you are textbook survivor.”  Please watch the video by Kati Morton, about promiscuity and sexual assault. 

 

 

 

Control (2015)

Sex is a complex conversation
What are we saying,
You have to use your body language
You have to speak with you hips
not your lips
You have to have an active imagination.
Fascination.
I’m fascinated.
Your mouth doesn’t utter a peep,
these little secrets we keep.
And your actions speak loud
YOU CAN SHOUT
with them
without making a sound.
We become one,
two bodies combine
You’re body and mine.
Men,
since I was ten
I swoon at the broad of your shoulders.
As I’ve gotten older
I’ve noticed the way you smell
puts a spell over me.
Weak in the knees
I see the way you look at me
You are eager to please.
You have an appetite
And you’re hungry for me tonight.
I’m attracted to your big hands,
I wonder
if you are a big man
I ache for you to use them.
Strong body grips,
soft fingertips.
I want you to be hard
best foot forward
whose got the scorecard?
It’s a game
we play
these things  we do and say.
I want to feel you
and the things my body craves for you to do
and the things I’m going to do to you.
I’m intoxicated by your presence,
and I want you to never forget this
Anticipation,
anticipated,
BREATHLESS.
I can hardly contain myself
I want to explore your body
it intrigues me
and I see it needs me
so hot we look together.
Your skin against mine
head tilted back
lost in space and time
I could do this forever.
Getting is good
but I like giving better.
More comfortable when I’m in control
so tempted

just to let go.

Cold room
I’m consumed by you
steamy hot
belly button sweat
I’m not done with you yet
Oh so very wet
I shake
I shake
I shake
I shiver
Breathe is ragged
and jagged
I quake and quiver
You’re such a giver.
I’m embarrassed by the sounds
escaping through my mouth
by the way my body is being controlled by
someone else
But I can’t stop now
I give in
If this was a fight
you win.
Pillow muffled
Blankets shuffled
my eyes rolled back
blackness
Your lips are a brush
my body a canvas
and as you are painting
I’m panting
practically fainting
There’s only so much of this I can take
but I don’t want you to stop
keep going
in the battle for control
you’re controlling
Fists grabbing sheets
so sweet
I want to drop to my knees
I want to take you in me
Toes curled
and cramping
the pace is amping
Lip bitten
I’m smitten
they curl to a smile
this is life
this is living
This is running that last mile.
Men and women!  We NEED to communicate better.  We HAVE to find a common ground and work as teammates.  WE ARE ONE race, two species of human,male and female…and we are HORRIBLE at speaking the same language…we need to figure it out.

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