Seeds – Self Esteem

That’s it!
That’s it!
I’ve had my fill!
If I were a garden
I’d rototill!
If I was a volcano
well now here I go!
OH NO!
WATCH HER BLOW!
She’s losing her top!
She can’t stop!
She’s got her weeds by the root!
and her seeds
CLEANED OF THE SOOT
Of this present darkness
that has sat like a harness
and garnished
and taxed and attacked
and she’s not stopping
THIS TIME SHE DOESN’T LOOK BACK.

 

Garden ROTO-TILLED.  Volcano exploding.  In the process of weeding my garden, I found some dead and shriveled up seeds.  I found them intertwined, as if they had died together, shriveled up where they had been choked out by weeds like domestic violence, and a whirlwind… And AT THE ROOT of it, of these things, were abuse, and my own self abusive response to it, because I gave up at one point.  I really did.  But I remember what it took for me to concede….I remember every sharp object to my face, every gun to my head… and my back…

I am caught up …to present.  And the present is a gift.  It’s its own adrenaline rush.  I remember the adventure!  It’s been a beautiful combination of pain and beauty.  I’m less than two months from forty.  I’m not climbing the hill nor am I over it…I’m standing on top of four decades, looking back, and understanding the different events that broke this egg from Eglon…

Forgiving self for my mistakes along the way was a process, I had to understand the journey, now I’m feeling less the cowardly lil Leo, August 13….and more like the lion I was before breaking.  But I am a Lion, braver than I give myself credit for, stronger than I realize.  I lost my pride a long time ago.  A leo – lion’s, ‘PRIDE’ IS FAMILY.  We lost one another in different bursts.  When I was sixteen, 21, and 33….like lil bombs that dropped that sent us all scattering…leaving HUGE elephants in the room when we get together…(the reason I stopped getting invited to a lot of family functions, because I started to talk about and look at and acknowledge the elephants, because I love to dance, but not around elephants.   Secrets made me sick.  Being able to be present, narrate the now like a little fly on the wall seeing the sun, hearing the birds, appreciating the smells of springtime and the sound of rain again after not being able to see or feel these things…when weighed down with depression, I only saw the broken concrete and litter.   Of course the loss of self worth and self esteem played a role in depression. It’s hard to feel good when you have lost respect for yourself.

So I am replanting, self worth, self respect, and self esteem….  I’m planting those things in me that were from my past that I’m grateful to bring with me into what’s forward, which is what is on the other side of the “forty year old” hill I’m about to summit.  I’m also replanting my pride nearby it, my family… If ever I judged them I’ve been humbled.  We are an interesting lot who are rarely all in the same room together, but they are MY interesting lot, and I see myself in them and them in me.  Their good, their bad and their ugly are my good bad and ugly.  We are survivor’s and cycle breakers.

Sometimes you have to get lost in order to find yourself.

 

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