I remember the last day of school when I was in the sixth grade, blasting 93.3 on the radio and dancing to “Faith” by George Michael, belting out the song at the top of my lungs as I danced around the kitchen and living room and loaded my backpack up to catch where I’d go to Wolfle Elementary School for the last time.
Today I danced around my RV with my dog Ebbie looking at me curiously and sang out O’Lord like I didn’t care who was listening… “I will stand my ground…where hope can be found.” I found hope again …in Clark Fork, 8 miles away from Hope, Idaho. (Oh the irony….but if you lose Hope and are on a journey to find it…I suppose it’s fitting that I found it here!
I love it here. I’m healing here. I’m learning to take care of myself again here.
Back to gardening…
I uprooted a weed in this perverbial garden that is me, it was Depression. This badboy was a stubborn, invasive thing that stretched throughout, tangled it roots in all sorts of seeds and made it impossible. It had to go. These roots are ugly, but….I can have compassion for the journey now, because I see how entangled things were. I see how this weed got planted and was able to choke out things like faith…and hope….I did get humbled. I remember at one time in life saying, “No matter what happens in life, no matter what you face, nothing and nobody can take away your character, morals and faith….”
Humbled was tasting hopelessness. – It was meeting myself in the mirror after these things had been beat out of me, because…Emma without faith a faith a faith….that was like meeting a stranger in the mirror. And how can you NOT struggle with some depression and self loathing when you had a misalligned compass to start with, a map that was written all upside down and backwards, and temporarily misplaced character, morals and faith ALL IN THE MIDDLE OF A WHIRLWIND?? Lost happens. I love myself some heavenly father, and Jesus… and I am grateful to still be here, because I’m getting the bounce back in my step, and a joy back in my heart…coming back to life.
I didn’t die so it’s good to stop feeling like I did.