Guilt Goes Gratitude Stays

7/9/18

I’m so blessed right now.  I feel blessed.  I feel….filled with hope.  I just do.  Right now Ebbie is getting her breathe back from a fun run in Clark Fork…dragging me on my adult Trike.  (I tried it with a bike but she was too strong, and I fell…a lot.)  I spent the morning watching the news and sipping on coffee while the sun lit up the green mountainside around me.  I swear, living in Clark Fork is like being held in the palm of God’s hands, those Cabinet and Monarch Mountains…

When I first moved to Clark Fork last fall, I was so depressed I could hardly look up.  But there’s something so healing about this small town, and I’m coming back to life here.   It’s not so much anymore, about what was left behind in the Puget Sound or the story that took place there, as what I am living in the present and who I am becoming in the aftermath of it.

I just got hired at the Cennex along the Main strip, about half a mile away from my home.  I’m glad to simplify my life right now.  Today I’m going to mow the lawn, and hopefully have time leftover to detail mom’s car, and wash it, in appreciation for having been allowed to use it while I worked in Sandpoint.  I plan on biking to work, and in the winter, I’ll probably walk.  This job is going to open up a lot of time for me to …. be. Implement some self discipline, replant my garden… and it’s not so uncomfortable in my skin anymore.

My dad asked me what made me hate me….this same man who didn’t speak to me for two months after I was basically left for dead by a stranger on the same roads I used to walk my stepson on and drive an ambulance on, and later lived in a car in because my husband scared me and I was tired of being afraid all the time – with friends that weren’t friends and family that wasn’t family any longer.  Alone.  After going back to Eglon, and facing my giants...realizing all this time …. after everything….knocking on doors and asking questions and putting the whole Eglon mess into a timeline….that NOTHING had or would change.  So anti-climactic.  What was the point of any of it?  Perhaps the point were those two girls I got to meet, the one’s he was stalking…that grown man.  But at least now I can walk away from it….because I did my part. But in the triumph of feeling brave enough to do it… confront giants… get my self esteem back after domestic violence.  I get murdered by a stranger.  Dad wanted to know why I struggled with my self esteem?  It was not a fun whirlwind – but sometimes you don’t get to choose your path, you’re on tracks, and you aren’t who you were meant to be until you follow it through.

So in my process of gardening I found this weed:  Guilt.  And I uprooted that badboy, and all of this stuff was jumbled into it.  But I can toss that out the window.  I first asked for help when I was seven, and was told not do ever say a word, and I didn’t – so I understand how it was not my responsibility back then and I can forgive self.  However, I also see that when as an adult I recognized the scope and ripple effects of what took place between a Halo Homes and a church, when church married state and blackmail of predators made for reduced cost carpenters, and how we were hand fed….if I didn’t go back and address it, nobody would.  It was not easy, learning about my father, and Scott Roberts and the other man in town, or about how the pastor manipulated things behind the scenes for financial gain.  It all came in different bursts of different interviews with different people who all shared the same tale…It was like piecing together a puzzle and realizing I was a part of the puzzle….

Blackmail is bad.  Secrets suck.  Pedophelia should never be normalized and that town was a den of pedophiles that got protected.  At some point I had to make sure I did everything I could to break the cycles I was born into.  And I did.  And now I can move forward relieved of that responsibility.

Replacing that weed with this lovely seed:  Gratitude.

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One thought on “Guilt Goes Gratitude Stays

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  1. That’s the hero I know! I’m so very proud of you. When you come back into the area, please come see me. I miss you so!

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